Do you know where to go for help if you find yourself, a friend or a loved one in an abusive relationship? Do you know how to recognize an abusive relationship? When I traveled to Long Island, New York for Macaroni Kid's annual meetup of publishers, one of our speakers came from local nonprofit, The Retreat, serving victims of domestic violence and sexual assault in the Long Island community. You might ask yourself; why in the world would an organization like this be asked to speak to a group of publishers whose main focus is family fun?
But, think about it for a second. According to a 2010 CDC study—the National Intimate Partner & Sexual Violence Survey, "one in three women will experience abuse at some point in their lives." Over 90% of Macaroni Kid readers are women. Statistically, that would mean that 1,000 of Macaroni Kid Rogers-Bentonville's 3,000 subscribers has suffered, is suffering, or will suffer from abuse. The speaker from The Retreat encouraged each of us to go back to our community and learn about what resources are available for families affected by domestic abuse. I reached out to the staff at Northwest Arkansas Women's Shelter about the resources they offer. No one should have to live in an environment that poses a danger. According to their Northwest Arkansas Women's Shelter estimates, more than 136,000 people in Northwest Arkansas will be affected by violence at their home.
One of those 136,000 people is surely your family, neighbor, or friend who needs help to escape violence today. If you or someone you know may be an abuse victim, call a domestic violence hotline. (The one for NWA Women's Shelter is 1−800−775-9011.) Domestic abuse hotlines are free, confidential, and a caller can call anonymously if they like. Nobody is forced or coerced into receiving services. These shelter advocates want to ensure that every caller is given the information that they need about their options so that they can make an informed decision about what they would like to do. Thes shelter advocates will also safety plan with all callers. Unless child abuse is involved, they will not notify law enforcement or the courts unless a caller specifically asks them to contact them on their behalf.
The following list, provided by NWA Women's Shelter, and adapted from this list, may help you identify if you or someone you know is potential in an abusive relationship.
How To Identify A Potential Abuser
1. Displays an unusual amount of jealousy; jealous of other significant people in your life.
2. Controlling- wants to know where you are, who you were with, what you are thinking, etc., all of the time. Expects you to spend all of your free time with him/her.
3. Demeaning behavior towards other people; puts other people down.
4. Quick involvement- "love at first sight" and wants to marry quickly.
5. Cruelty to animals and children.
6. Past history of violence; admits to beating someone but says it wasn't his/her fault.
7. Verbal threats
8. Physical threats
9. Using force in sex-"play" rape
10. Any use of violence-grabbing, pushing, pinching, arm twisting, hitting, kicking, hair pulling, scratching, etc.
11. Loses temper frequently and more easily than seems necessary.
12. Rigid sex roles (unbendable ideas of what people should do determined by male/female sex role stereotypes).
13. Not taking responsibility for own behavior. Always someone else's fault.
14. Jekyll/Hyde behavior-dual personality.
15. Comes from an abusive family-father abusive to mother or children.
16. Drinks alcohol excessively.
17. Plays with guns and uses them to protect him/her against other people.
18. Becomes enraged when you do not listen to his/her advice.
19. Sense of overkill in his/her kindness or cruelty.
20. Depends upon you for all emotional support-makes you responsible for his/her feelings.
21. Do you get a sense of fear when he/she becomes angry with you? Does not making him/angry become an important part of your behavior?
GUIDELINES FOR SPOTTING POTENTIAL ABUSERS
1. VERY ROMANTIC / ATTENTIVE
- Too much too soon
- Always wants to be with you
- Whirlwind romance
2. LACK OF PATIENCE
- Can't stand waiting in line or traffic
- Wants everything Right Now
3. CRITICAL / CONTROLLING
- Wants you to do everything perfectly
- Feels he/she "knows it all"
- Puts you down to make himself/herself feel better
4. HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS
- Wants to know what you do with your time
- Suspects that you are always interested in someone else
5. DISREGARDS YOUR NEEDS / INTERESTS
- This relationship is about him/her, not you
- His/her needs always come first
STEPS TO PROTECT YOURSELF:
1. SET UP A NETWORK OF FRIENDS
- Break the isolation he/she has created
2. DON'T GO ANYWHERE ALONE
3. GATHER EVIDENCE OF HIS/HER THREATS, STALKING, ASSAULTS
4. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING - PHONE CALLS, DRIVE BY'S, NOTES, ANY CONTACT
5. TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW OF YOUR FEARS AND THE HISTORY OF HIS/HER ABUSE
- Have them on the lookout to protect you
6. MOVE IF NECESSARY
